Five Reasons Why the Opponents of Gay Marriage Will Ultimately Fail
October 29, 2008 by Green Dads
by Brian Frank
In the midst of the current political debate about Proposition 8, advocates of gay marriage should keep one thought uppermost in their minds. Regardless of the outcome of Proposition 8 – or any anti-gay-marriage initiative – victory will ultimately belong to gay marriage and its supporters. The opponents of gay marriage will not, and cannot, win in the end. Why? Because of these five simple facts:
1. Get Real: Opponents of gay marriage aren’t truly opposed to the legalization of gay marriage, what they are actually opposed to is the existence of gay marriage. Their idea is that if they don’t acknowledge long-term, committed gay relationships, then somehow our relationships will magically cease to exist. They’re like my five-year-old, who is very upset about gravity right now. He doesn’t want there to be any gravity, because he likes to build tall stacks of blocks and they wouldn’t fall down if only there were no gravity. Get real. Gravity isn’t going to go away just because my five year old doesn’t like it, and committed long-term gay relationships aren’t going to go away just because opponents of gay marriage don’t like them. Even passing a law against them isn’t going to erase the reality of our relationships, any more than passing a law can make the value of pi equal to three.
2. It Will Never, Ever Be Over: What do the opponents of gay marriage honestly think is going to happen? Do they think that gay people will somehow just give up demanding that we be accorded fair and equal treatment for our families? What would they do if they were in our situation? “Well, Martha, a state amendment passed that says marriage shouldn’t be between a man and a woman, so I guess we have no choice. Let’s sell the house and the car – the kids? Oh, we’ll just give them to social services. I guess it’s time to go our separate ways. How about we just shake on it, okay? I don’t think a kiss would be appropriate.” I don’t think so. Straight people would fight. They would fight for their marriages, they would fight for their children, and they would fight for their families. And they would never, ever, stop fighting. Do any of them honestly think that we’ll do any less?
Think I sound militant about this? Hardly. I’m an assimilationist who counts straight people among his best friends and refuses to live in a gay ghetto. I also didn’t come out until I was almost thirty, and carry with me the kind of internalized homophobia that is ubiquitous among gay people of my generation. My efforts to stand up for myself as a gay man – politically and otherwise – have always been hampered by that burden of shame. But teenagers today are taking their boyfriends to the prom and pledging fraternities as openly gay men. When the young gay men and women of Generation Q reach marriage age, how much tolerance do you think they will have for being treated like second-class citizens?
And what of the gay children who are even now being raised in our families, the Second Generation? There’s never been an entire generation of gay people – millions of gay people – raised safe and free inside gay families that will never reject them and that will teach them Pride in who they are. Not to mention our straight children – millions more of them than our gay kids – who are growing up Erotically Straight but Culturally Queer. Just how do you think a generation of straight people raised by gay families will feel about gay marriage?
I’m just the tip of the iceberg, a man who was raised to expect and to tolerate injustice as a gay person. But the millions of people who are coming after me are not growing up cowed and they will not stand for anything less than full equality. No matter the fate of Proposition 8 or any other anti-gay-marriage initiatives to come, the battle isn’t over. It will never be over. Far from it; this war hasn’t even begun.
3. Welcome to the High Ground: Yet even someone who was raised to feel ashamed of himself because he was gay can reach the point where he’s had enough. I’m tired of being told that my family is somehow wrong, and that I can be morally judged by others, simply because of my sexual orientation. Even a convicted murderer is guaranteed the right to marry if he is straight, yet I am denied that right because I am gay. When is it my turn to judge; when is it my turn to be morally superior? My partner and I have been together for over seventeen years. We own our home, mow our lawn, and pay our taxes. We’ve been foster parents to four children, and are now raising a son that we adopted from foster care. We both work for the government. I’ve never used any illegal drug, not even marijuana. I am a law abiding citizen, and in the seventeen years that I’ve been with my partner I haven’t even gotten a single speeding ticket. I’ve signed my organ donor card. We even go to church on Sundays. I live an upstanding and ethical life. So when do I get to be good enough to be the one to pass moral judgments in this debate? I’d say right about now.
For just one example, let’s take one of the most outspoken opponents of gay marriage: Newt Gingrich, a prime architect of the Defense of Marriage Act. Mr. Gingrich claims to be morally superior and to stand in judgment of me and my family. Well, I’m afraid that shoe is on the wrong foot. Do I instead claim to be morally superior to him? You’re damn right I do. How dare he presume to judge my marriage? This is a man who has been divorced twice and is now on his third marriage. He even pressed his first wife to sign divorce papers while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery. Mr. Gingrich is nothing more than a political opportunist of contemptible morals, not a paragon of virtue. I should be the one demanding that his marriage be outlawed, not the other way around.
4. America: Love it or Leave It: Opponents of gay marriage have dared to propose an amendment to the United States Constitution to outlaw gay marriage, just as Proposition 8 is now intended to amend the California Constitution. This shows nothing less than contempt for America itself, because it subverts the very intention of the U.S. Constitution by abusing a truly noble document for narrow and selfish political means. The Constitution has never, ever, been used to deny rights to a select group of Americans. On the one occasion when it was used to remove rights – during Prohibition – it treated all Americans equally, and even this misstep was later repealed.
Anyone who has no respect for the Constitution has no respect for America. Because the Constitution – more than anything else about our nation– is what makes America great. It’s what makes us who we are. The Constitution is what gave us a stable government of free citizens, the first in the world. Lacking respect for the Constitution, attempting to use it for partisan, parochial ends rather than for the manner it was intended – to extend and guarantee the rights of a free society to all citizens – is far worse than thumbing your nose at the flag.
The names of my grandparents are inscribed at the Ellis Island Memorial, and I am proud to call myself a third-generation American citizen. I believe deeply in the ideals of America, “with liberty and justice for all.” And anyone who doesn’t uphold these ideals – embodied in the Constitution - doesn’t deserve to call themselves an American. True patriotism means putting the ideals of America first, even over your own personal discomforts or political disagreements, and the supporters of gay marriage like me are the real American Patriots. Because we are the ones who truly believe in liberty and justice for all Americans – yes, even straight people. And anyone who doesn’t want to live in an America like that can get the hell out of my country.
5. We All Know They’re Perverts, And So Do They: What is it – what, exactly, is it – that is “immoral” and “unnatural” about gay marriage? Is it how we mow our lawns? Is it how we pay our taxes? Is it the way we drive our kids to school? Opponents of gay marriage use vague terms like “unnatural” because they are too full of moral cowardice and dishonesty to speak the truth. What is it that upsets them about our families? One thing and one thing only: how we have sex. They don’t truly care about how we treat our spouses, our children, our relatives, our neighbors, or all of the other things that really define us as families, because they are too busy thinking about how we have sex. They are so fixated on our sex lives that they can’t see any other aspect of who we are as families, so consumed with how we have sex that they feel driven to enact legislation about it in the guise of “defending” their own marriages.
I have to pay more for health care for my family, pay more for childcare expenses, chance losing custody of my son if I travel into the wrong state, and risk a thousand other threats to my family … all because some sicko can’t stop obsessing over my genitals? That such behavior should occur in the civil domain is nothing less than disgusting and perverted behavior, and it deserves to be called exactly what it is. The next time you hear anyone speak in opposition to gay marriage, take every word that comes out of their mouth and replace it with “penis, penis, penis” or “vagina, vagina, vagina” because that is exactly what they are really thinking. We all know it and so do they; and sooner or later we’re all going to have to admit the truth of what’s really; going on here. Opponents of gay marriage should be ashamed of themselves; they are the real perverts here.
So to all the opponents of Proposition 8 and to the supporters of gay marriage – gay and straight alike – I say, take heart and do not be daunted no matter what happens on this Election Day. Our opponents are spoiled little children unwilling to deal with reality, but we know the unassailable truth of our love. Our opponents are smugly overconfident, but we are growing in numbers and our determination will not be denied. Our opponents are morally reprehensible, but now it is our turn to sit in judgment of them. Our opponents have spit in the face of the Constitution and all that makes America great, but we are the true patriots. And our opponents are perverts who have dragged their personal obsessions with our sex lives into political affairs, while we seek only full civil equality for our families and our children.
They will fail and we will triumph. Because in this fight it is we who are the righteous ones, and it is our righteousness that will – inevitably – prevail.
See all the contributed posts for Write to Marry Day at Mombian.
UPDATE: Check out the third commentator below for a whole list of arguments against same-sex marriage. Our very first negative comment. I’m tempted to post his email, but I’m sure that would get me in trouble. If anyone wants, use the contact page in the menu above to email me.
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Great post. I will read your posts frequently. Added you to the RSS reader.
While there are strong similarities between the gay rights movement and the civil rights movement, believing that gay unions are equal to heterosexual unions and that opposition to gay marriage is equal to the discrimination of race is a misconception.
If the state legalizes gay marriage, then suddenly marriage changes from a protected belief of a small minority, to the false impression that the state (which is an extension of the people) believes that it is morally acceptable to practice homosexuality.
As individuals, law abiding homosexuals should be entitled to every inalienable right held by any heterosexual; but as couples, gay relationships no longer hold an equal stance to the synergy of a heterosexual relationship. The answer lies in procreation—the primary responsibility of a family.
The gay agenda wants to redefine marriage as simply commitment, honesty, affection, and warmth between two loving individuals. If so then it simply becomes an equal protection issue and the gay couple argues they are being discriminated against for a relationship they claim holds equal commitment and value to the heterosexual relationship. This argument breaks down because it ignores posterity and procreation. Children are what differentiate the marriage contract from all other consensual adult arrangements. The state has always had a keen interest in the bearing and rearing of children. Indeed that is why the state got in the business of registering and recognizing marriage in the first place.
The point, both legally and historically, the gay family can ONLY exist as a product of government policy and modern science, and a dependence on the natural family. It is very clear that there is no natural procreative ability between gay partners. The procreative ability between heterosexual couples is, by contrast, perfectly natural, and dates back to the start of recorded history. The natural family would continue whether the government or science became involved or not. Thus, we see that a homosexual relationship is not naturally equal to a heterosexual relationship.
The Declaration of Independence proclaims that we are endowed with unalienable rights, “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. John Locke, called this “natural law”. Natural law is not a creation or product of the state, but was to be protected by the state as these are the natural rights of all men inseparably connected to being human. Gays may argue that they are in the pursuit of liberty and happiness, yet there is no logical means by which they are naturally in the pursuit of life. Indeed we may argue that the gay movement, by its very nature, is a movement in pursuit of death, its own extinction, for without the intervention of the state and modern science, homosexuality results in the termination of posterity. Thus, from the perspective of both science and state we can see that the union of man and women, with their resulting children compared to the gay union are polar opposites both in origin and fruit.
What about couples who are infertile? Many married heterosexuals choose not to have children, and others cannot because of medical problems or physical handicaps. But gays fought furiously to convince the American Psychiatric Association to remove homosexuality from their books as a “disorder”, or medical problem. The majority of the United States will now agree that homosexuality is not a medical problem or disorder. Even in perfect medical condition, a gay couple cannot procreate without the help of a third party. Therefore homosexual relationships and heterosexual relationships are inherently, and naturally, unequal. Gays should NOT shunned because of their beliefs and tendencies. Nor does this fact infringe on their God given rights. The argument is that the two relationships are very different from one another and for that reason they should be defined differently.
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This comment is from Brian:
Thanks for your thoughtful – and quite lengthy – comment, Jeff. This is a very good piece of abstract theorizing, incorporating John Locke, natural law, and many other interesting concepts.
Unfortunately, in my day job as a Ph.D. researcher in the hard sciences, I see this kind of poor thinking all the time. Anyone can speculate endlessly about their own pet theories, but theory and speculation are just pointless intellectual exercises without the real-world data to back them up. John Locke is certainly a respected thinker in the ivory tower of philosophy, but I don’t recall that he’s ever come to my house and helped me change diapers or clean kid’s puke off the sheets. And neither have you.
This is a blog about our personal experiences as gay parents, Jeff, and the hard data that support the convictions that I state in the post are my own actual personal experiences as a spouse and father. If you want me to lend credence to your theories, then prove to me that they are more than a self-gratifying academic exercise by showing me the hard data – your own personal experiences – that back them up. How long have YOU been married? What discrimination have YOU experienced as a person of color and as a member of a family of color? How many children are YOU raising? What are YOU doing about the over 125,000 children in foster care who are currently awaiting adoption (the result of the natural procreation of heterosexuals)? Until you can do that, your political theories are no better than the theory that the Earth is flat.
I’ve been in a family headed by a mom and a dad and I’ve been in a family headed by two moms. Here is the truth. There is no difference. Both families have the exact same obligations, struggles and rewards on a daily basis. Neither is “better” or more “natural” than the other.
I have no idea why some think that we want to “redefine marriage as simply commitment, honesty, affection, and warmth between two loving individuals.”
If marriage were only so sweet and simple for anyone. From watching my parents and from my own experience it’s more about obligation, hard work, frustration – yeah some of that ball and chain – and then . . . just every so often . . . that fantastic feeling of accomplishing something together, total commitment, trust, respect. Well, except when a child comes along. That’s when the rewards come a little more often – at least for us.
Gotta go – my ball and chain is telling me iron Little Man’s school uniform.
One Lesbo’s last blog post..Lindsay, Paris & Britney in HBO Show? Lesbian-Lite Overload + More Lindsay News
Jeff, you stated that marriage was for the purpose of procreation. Considering some straight couples can’t or do not want children, should their marriages be nullified. I don’t think that will happen. So your argument has no foundation. So try another argument and educate yourself on diversity and tolerance.
I think that if we removed the rights of heterosexuals and had you fight for them, then you would understand better, what we have to deal with. I think ALL should be equal under the law. Also, if a straight couple chooses not to have kids or doesnt want them, then they should NOT be allowed to marry. That sounds right and fair to me
I see Jeff has been here. I think that Jeff is systematically going through all of the Write to Marry posts today and leaving the same comment. He just couldn’t be more wrong.
This is a great post. Well said on all fronts.
I’m sorry your son is having issues with gravity. I feel like I too have been having issues with gravity my whole life.
Great Post Green Dads.
To Jeff up above: i will quote you: “but as couples, gay relationships no longer hold an equal stance to the synergy of a heterosexual relationship. The answer lies in procreation—the primary responsibility of a family.”
explain to me: in the foster system, the children that are in that system, the abuse and neglect they suffer, where are their parents? my mother was a foster mother, there was a 22 year old woman giving birth to her 8th child that was going into the foster system. how do you explain that responsibility? your argument is very tainted by your own misconceptions. open your eyes to your own world, yes, the HETEROSEXUAL world. My brother in law is a nurse and constantly there are women going into labor with two, three men, stating they don’t know which is the dad or two men and saying he is my current boyfriend, he is the baby’s daddy. THAT IS THE RESPONSIBILITY YOU ARE DEFENDING OR ARGUING FOR? it is a joke!
while people like you are misinformed and repeat this misinformation i would like to tell you that this is about protection for two loving couples. couples that chose to take into their homes those childrens that are thrown out by your heterosexual counterparts. also, this doesn’t affect your pocket this is something that has been happening and you haven’t really even seen it. so make all homosexuals tax exempt and stop taking our money or now, if you “pro procreation” people have an issue with morality then start teaching your counter parts to maintain monogomy, take care of your children, no divorce AT ALL WHATSOEVER, when your counterparts are perfect then maybe have the face to spew this crap. until then, i say, YES ON GAY MARRIAGE, AFTER ALL, WE DO KNOW WHAT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS AS OPPOSED TO YOU GUYS!
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Your reply to Jeff is perfect. And your post is ever so much better than mine! But of course, since this is more personal to you. What I am loving about this Write to Marry event is that I am finding all sorts of wonderful new blogs
Christina’s last blog post..Write to Marry Day
Thanks,
I liked your post, you had a lot of good things to say.
Wow. Your post really touched me, and there are so many similarities to mine, although mine is from the perspective of a straight person who has many gay loved ones. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, and for your great answer to Jeff.
I’ll bet he believes in the Free Market too.
Alicia Morgan’s last blog post.."Write To Marry" Day – October 29
This post is PHENOMENAL. I feel like I need to go revise! Thanks for stopping by my blog, and thanks for writing what you did. I have been sitting here reading excerpts to my wife.
You also handled Jeff well. I believe “Jeff” may have appeared on my blog a month or so ago under a different name–or perhaps they all just sound the same with their photocopied talking points. It’s so tiring to deal with their lack of reasoned logic; it’s just painful.
I will be back to read more–you’re an incredible writer!
Thanks,
The writing is my partner Brian’s, I’ll let him know what you said. I’d like him to contribute more often to the blog, he always says he is too busy.
Thanks for the really well written post. I’m looking forward to the day when my marriage is not up for decision by voters. We’re still married regardless of the outcome of the election, however, just like most other “newlyweds” we’d like to stay and be married!
Leanne’s last blog post..The Power of Marriage
Awesome post. Best wishes to you and your family. I’m so proud to be taking part in this blogothon today. Btw, I got the exact same comment from “Jeff.” I didn’t realize it was a robo-comment. And here I thought I was special. ;-(
Esther’s last blog post..It’s Write to Marry Day
I didn’t realize it could be a robo comment either.
This post is so encouraging, especially the part about how this fight is only the tip of the iceberg. That long-term perspective is extremely helpful to me right now. As a straight Christian seminarian who grew up in the midst of gay family and friends, I am strongly emotionally connected to LGBT equality, and every battle seems potentially devastating and vital. So it’s helpful to zoom out a bit and realize that no, not everything rides on Prop. 8 – win or lose, the fight will continue.
Anyway, thanks for this post (and the rest of the blog looks cool too)!
Peace,
Tom
Tom’s last blog post..Why I support gay marriage
Incredibly amazing, wonderful post. I’m so moved by your clear and concise – and calm – words, that I can’t even really think of much to say.
I’m absolutely thrilled that you brought to light in my mind the fact that the Constitution has only once been used to deny rights to anyone, and that actually included everyone and was later repealed. I have to admit that I have never thought of it that way and I’m absolutely tickled pink to ‘have that in my arsenal’, if you will. It is simple, clear, and concise – and very powerful. I get so flustered when people are hollerin’ at me on this topic and I stumble over my words. No more.
And the part about the focus on your sex life – YES! Dude, that is so it! It drives me crazy, when people are carrying on and on about it and that is ALL they are focused on. It makes ZERO sense. I mean, like, maybe my husband hangs me from the ceiling in a sex swing and whips me – I’m sure some of these goofy conservatives would NOT approve of that – do they deny my rights, too?! (Never actually tried a swing, although, they do look interesting…lol…just an example)
No – because, they are not interested in my sex life.
Oh shock of horrors – what if we have other people come over and join in with us? (Another example) Do they deny my rights?!
No, because, they are not interested in my sex life.
Those are just examples, but, that is the point, really – you don’t actually know what goofy stuff we have or have not done. Why?
Because, they are not interested in my sex life.
When my husband lays dying in the hospital and I wish to go see him and be with him, do they question my ‘next of kin’ status by grilling me about our kinky sex life first – should we maybe have one?
Nope.
Ok, so I thought of some stuff to say – but, man, I was just so moved by your words. Even more so now that I live in an extremely conservative small town in Alabama, with all of my husband’s relatives – all of whom have plenty of skeletons in their closet, but, yet – see fit to get up on their high horses and preach about this kind of thing frequently. Makes me so crazy. I feel like I’m in a foreign country sometimes. Seriously.
I used to live in Dallas, TX.
Thank you so much for writing this wonderful post. And what a funny way I found you today, too – I was searching for opinions on the newest Vista Service Pack on Twitter. God leads me where I need to go. I just don’t often know where we’re headed.
(Oh, and I have a book blog, too! Love your book blog – will go comment on it, too!)
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Your welcome
This is so very well written and I am ashamed at being behind on my own Write to Marry Post. You see, my sister, who seemed to be very supportive accidentally included me in a forward about voting no on Proposition 8, a video put out by the Family Research Council (James Dobson’s people). I replied to her sister, “Sister, I love you dearly, but I don’t think that email was meant for me.”
Friday my sons will stay with us as we will be hosting a haunted porch for Halloween Night. And then Saturday I celebrate my tenth anniversary with my partner Brian. And I have been thinking about just how to compassionately respond to my sister’s accidental forward. I’ll be posting a copy of my reply on GayFatherhood.com (thanks for linking here from there, btw!), and on The Dad Poet as well. But in that response I will link back to this excellent post.
As for Jeff, he shoots his own argument down by mentioning those heterosexual parents who for whatever medical reason cannot have children. If the husband has a low sperm count, if the wife is barren, if procreation is the “primary responsibility of the family” doesn’t it stand to reason that those heterosexual couples who cannot have children naturally, or worse choose not to procreate do not share equal standing with those couples who have kids?
Heterosexual couples who cannot procreate but want a family pursue prosperity through other methods, like surrogacy or adoption, no differently than many gay couples I know.
The American family has already been torn to shreds by the heterosexuals. They have created the alarming divorce rate in this nation without our help, so I find it laughable that they feel they need to “defend” the institution from us.
Thanks again, Brian and Steven. I am so glad to have found your blog!
David
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Excellent article Brian. I’m a straight, married woman in my early 50’s. We are very close friends with two gay couples, one lesbian couple, one gay men couple. They are truly some of the best people I have known in my life. My best friend in high school was a gay man and I know the internalized homophobia and fear that you speak of. He really suffered. I now know gay people who are 20 to 30 years younger and they are fairing so much better.
I find it amazing that people are against gay marriage. The argument about procreation is ridiculous. Marriage is about love and commitment. It is also a legal contract that protects both parties and their children. That’s it. Legalizing gay marriage would support gay relationships.
I think you hit the nail on the head. It’s about sex. All of the other arguments are just a way to hide bigotry and their own discomfort. And for the record, I don’t have any discomfort about gay sex. It’s every bit as loving, sexy, and probably emotionally complicated as straight sex. Humans are humans. The shape and gender of our bodies is a minor component.
…infringe on their God given rights…
I wonder if Jeff’s underlying reason against same-sex marriage is based out of religious belief. Typically most people’s concerns for “it” are based out of religious dogma.
Per his argument, any marriage between a man and a woman that can not produce children (as when my dad married his second wife after she had finished menopause – there’s that subject again Brian
) is as “illegitimate” as that of two men or two women.
BTW, Jeff looks kind of cute. I want to marry him.
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This was a great article. We’re still fighting, even though half of California voters are jerks. We’re not done til we get our rights!
…But thank you for this.
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